I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
