I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
