would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
