dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sext me about skeletons
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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