then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
