I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
