Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Even my vagina gasped.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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