we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
