I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
