take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
