you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
