please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
