fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think I have vodka in my lungs
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
