I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How does it feel to date your dad?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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