I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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