hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
