Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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