he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
