If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
