I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
