her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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