Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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