Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
