i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
