when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
