I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
