Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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