I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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