Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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