I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We just shotgunned beers for America
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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