Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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