all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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