when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
