My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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