did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
