So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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