He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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