I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you will always have a special place in my vag
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
