I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
