Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
