I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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