he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
