You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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