i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
