why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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