I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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