The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
