i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
