On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
one might say we're banned from that church
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
