Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
