My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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