Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
