Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
